15 December 2009

"Noprobamatol": Side-Effects that Rival the Syndrome

America is an overly medicated society.  From the perspective of rationality, we rely on labs to create drugs that fix the problems we think we have.  It is true that some drugs truly help people, but many of these drugs stupefy perception; they transform reality in a way that makes it appear more tolerable.  How did America’s previous generations, the pioneers of American Democracy, maintain without a hearty helping of reality-benders with breakfast?  While wading through the pharmaceutical melting pot of my University’s campus, it is hard to say.  In avoidance of hypocrisy, I will say that I have taken my fair share of prescribed medication throughout life.  There is, however, a designer drug that exploded onto the scene in 2004 – at the DNC – that I avoided: “Noprobamatol.”  Prior to 2004, it was just a street drug in Chicago, and look at the mess that place is in; lots of Chicago thugs in the White House now, all heavy users of Noprobamatol.

Noprobamatol is a legal drug, no prescription required, nestled in nicely next to “Nodoze” in the hypothetical apothecary of my mind’s eye.   Through the all seeing lens of hindsight, I assume the position that a great majority of my “peers” abused the legality of Noprobamatol; much like the “legality” of marijuana dispensaries is currently being taken for granted.  It has become clear, as of late, that Noprobamatol should have been classified as a controlled substance by the FDA, and its possession and use should have been a felony; but since it’s a drug of ideology, rather than physical substance, controlling it proved impossible. 

Noprobamatol’s hook was simple – the focused demographic partly being the wandering votes of America’s youth.  A radio commercial would have gone something like this:

Are you suddenly feeling betrayed by the warmongering Republicans?  Are you more inclined towards following blindly, instead of shouldering the burden of blazing a trail?  Do you not possess an understanding of where America stands or how it got to where it is today?  Do you relate more to a hip looking, youthful Senator; instead of a crotchety old war vet who reminds you of your grandfather?  Don’t care about politics and just want to feel good like your friends? 

If you answered yes, to any of these questions, then ask your doctor about Noprobamatol today.  It’s will give you the political purpose you’ve been looking for, and it will make you feel accepted by those around you as well.  Noprobamatol – it was made by them, for you, to help us.

(In triple speed)  Side-effects of Noprobamatol may include but will not be limited to: dizziness; dry mouth; inability to retort; lapse in independent thinking; ringing in your ears when someone downplays Obama; compulsion to wear t-shirts that resemble an anti-democratic movement; placing bumper stickers and signs in any unused space available; audible sound coming out of the mouth of anyone who doesn’t take Noprobamatol similar to the “wah womp ah wahm womp” of Charlie Brown’s parents and teacher; and an immediate alleviation of symptoms caused by “white man’s guilt;” since you’re going to vote for a man of African descent.  
Call today.  Vote tomorrow.  You can’t lose!

President Obama was formulated, manufactured, branded, and sold to America as an answer to a problem for which there is no clear need.  A drug that is engineered to alleviate a problem often times causes side-effects that didn’t exist before.  2009’s masses were aurally medicated with Noprobamatol, and it has proven no different than the rest.  Even without side-effects, it takes time to regain equilibrium after beginning a drug regimen; your body needs time to accept – rather than reject – the introduction of manufactured chemicals, which are camouflaged to evade the body’s defenses.   A dapper suit and a charismatic smile worked well, for a time, but the side-effects will undoubtedly prove difficult to manage.  The novelty is waning.

The “change” brought by Noprobamatol, that America is still adjusting to, has brought with it side-effects that rival the syndrome.  There has been war for the majority of this decade, and a growing deficit to go along with it.  There were political ebbs and flows, peaks and troughs; but there was more growth than decline.  The magnitudes of America’s challenges have not been cured by Noprobamatol; they have been exacerbated, and accompanied by side-effects which mean to socialize the future.  Jobs are scarce and out-of-work Americans are plentiful; taxes will continue to increase, despites the promises made to not raise taxes on the middle classes; and America’s deficit is on an unsustainable trajectory beyond the stratosphere of possibility.  My generation, the Future Force of America, along with the Conservative veterans still in the trenches, will undoubtedly have to put forth a collective effort to clean up the mess made by Noprobamatol – it will more than likely take a generation to do it.

The coming years will be trying ones, as there is no foreseeable cure-all for the national hangover that began when American’s were cut off from the bar of reality, in January ’09; hopelessly left without enough change to tip “Dubya.”  Our collective headaches will be blamed on the recession that came as a result of the syndrome.  The depression that was avoided has been a side-effect of Noprobamatol; a side-effect that has caused a rapid quadrupling of the national deficit, and a perceived shrinking of America’s persuasive abilities on global politics.  

You look confused.  You’re saying that the “Democrats promised that I wouldn’t notice an increase in taxes toward my income, even though almost immediately after taking office they injected unimaginable amounts of money into backwards industries, and they swore that they’d be able to keep America at the pole position of global powers.  But I am being taxed more, and people say that taxes are going to continue increasing.  Why would they lie to us?  Is my Noprobamatol starting to wear off?  I’ve been hearing and agreeing with a lot of things that I had been unable to hear until recently?  Where did all of my money go?  Who owns my house and why can’t I seem to make a dent in my personal debt?  I already have a big brother and I don’t want another one.” 

Simply put, my friend, your money, your financial security, all that is America and what you’re accustomed to, is being exploited for the construction of a new form of government; a conglomeration government that influences more of America’s private sectors daily, while reserving the right to amend American society in any way that benefits its particular needs at any time. 

There isn’t a detoxification clinic anywhere that could possibly wean Conservatives’ addiction to the dream of small government and individual opportunity.  As I see it, we, the Conservative Future Force and those who are fighting the fight behind desks rather than laptops, are the antidote for Noprobamatol.  For the Future Force specifically though, the next three years will be a proving ground for our, thus far, life of books and papers.  The theoretical foundations of our education must now, be put into practice; it is in our hands to decide which learned theories are applicable in modernity and those that need to be left-behind, due to their hypocrisy and inability to dictate against the changes that have swept across America.  Three trips around the Sun is ample time to make the leap from apprentice to master.  I plan on honing my skills and proving my worth. 

Conservatives don’t like side-effects, we are resistant to sudden change.  If the rapidity of changes has frightened you, maybe we can offer you an antidote; it won’t be nearly as pleasant as Noprobamatol, but it will reopen your eyes.  Noprobamatol is big medicine, big government.  If you do begin to worry as you wake from Noprobamatol’s cognitive coma, hold fast.  Conservatives care for their own, and we’re always openly accepting converts, no application or waiting period; all you need is embodied in “Our Creed” (top).

“To him who looks upon the world rationally, the world in turn presents a rational aspect.  The relation is mutual.” 
- George W. F. Hegel

Talon's Out


  1. Nice work Jessie! Keep 'em coming! Can't wait for 2012... Good luck in Boulder, CU needs more voices like you!

  2. Well thank you Anonymous, I appreciate your support. Don't be so shy, I just want to be friends...